Good News In Time For My Birthday

I'm happy to announce on Thursday I was given the all clear The Cancer has not spread to my Lymph Nodes and I can recover from my op now  and gradually put my life back together! 

Last week I was in borough market in London and I saw a lovely Little wine bar with a glass of pink champagne advertised and I thought "if I get clear results I will be sipping champagne in there" I told myself that with a tiny glimmer of hope that I might be told the cancer has not spread.....but then I brushed my positive thoughts away and remembered there was a 50/50 chance it was going either way. 

So when I was told those words "I'm pleased to tell you that nothing was found in the lymph nodes and the mole that was removed from your head is perfectly fine" I was totally relieved and shocked!!! My mum cried in relief but all I could think was get me out of this hospital I need some air! And we walked out of there and all I could say was omg thank goodness! My family and I went straight to the wine bar in borough market that I pictured us sitting in if I got good results and I got my glass of pink champagne! It was a lovely feeling, 

I know I'm living with Melanoma for the rest of my life but....The breaks are on for now and who knows it may never come back! I'll be checked every 3 months by the best dermatologists and I'll be putting on the SPF50 like its moisturiser :) and covering up and protecting my skin! 

I'm still determind to increase awareness of skin cancer. 

It's my Birthday Monday and it's been a non stop celebration! Fish and chips at the seaside yesterday, lunch with my friend today and Monday celebration dinner! 

I'm also going away end of May for a little holiday my dad is paying for me as a birthday present he said I deserve a break after everything I have been through and how brave I have been.  He is so sweet It's something for me to be excited about because although I have good results I still feel a lot of stress of being diagnosed with melanoma, my scars that are healing and getting my mind round the fact I am living with this for the rest of my life. 

But I'm a fighter and so far I have beat cancer and I can make plans and book holidays and start living my life again :) 

Happy Easter xxx

Highs and Lows

This weekend I have been so much better than I was last weekend iv been out two days but when I say out I mean a few hours and today just a BBQ but hey it's progress right? My underarm is healing a lot more but still feels achy and numb and my tummy is getting there. 

I feel every day is different today I could be happy and positive and tomorrow I'm just so down not even watching suits or Sex And The City could cheer me up. 

I'm struggling with friends who haven't bothered with me since surgery and some who thought because id had the operation I'd be fine to go out etc instead of getting angry iv been really honest with people now and I just tell them give me a week or two and I'll be back to myself and out and about! 

The biggest question I get is when is your results to which I explain it's soon but I don't want to tell people or I'll have everyone wondering and the pressure of calling and messaging people on that day and I don't want that regardless or a good or bad result I want time with my mum to digest it all, switch my phone off and deal with it! 

To be honest right now I'd love to jump into a car and drive miles away, not like that would solve my problems but I feel really mixed at the moment! 

I feel so frustrated that I can't cope with going out for more than a few hours I know I'll be fine soon and I'm making progress, it's just difficult having to be fine one moment then iv get a shooting pain down my arm like a constant reminder of the pain and that I have melanoma.

My mum I can tell is very stressed and worried about me naturally as a mum it must be so hard for her, and when I'm feeling upset or low I just sit in my room watching movies or tv shows and she comes in to make sure I'm ok. I think because I told her I felt really alone and by alone I don't mean her shes my everything I just mean I'm on a different path to my friends right now and I feel like I have really changed and starting to see things in a different light. 

My mum asked me if I was worrying about my results and I told her I wasn't worried I just had it at the back of my mind and I'm prepared for the worse but I will never know until they say the words to me! Time will tell....well 4 days actually so not long! 

When you are told you have cancer your life kind of stops and it's on hold temporary until the moment you know your cleared! That's how I have felt the last month like a fish in a tank swimming swimming and going round and round but with blank thoughts and restrictions! But I suppose as Dory said in Finding Nemo "just keep swimming" so I will and regardless of the results I will not give up! 

I'm learning to cross stitch which is coming along brilliantly and I also made some Easter cakes today all by myself! Ok I know a 4 year old could make these easy but with my pain it's certainly an achievement. 

Happy Sunday xo Nikki 

My Melanoma Surgery

Wow can't believe it's been 5 days now since my surgery! Today's the first day I can comfortably type because my SLNB was on my right arm and my WLE was on my right side and of course my mole removal on my scalp which currently has staple stitches ouchies! I can honestly say I'm in less pain than I was after surgery, I make little daily goals for myself making a cup of tea, or yesterday was putting on my makeup and going out for an hour with my family,wow the air did me good, however once I got home I was exhausted felt like I had been for a run and I had only got in the car walked a bit and sat And had one drink.  Last night I got upset out of frustration really! Iv only cried a few times since my surgery and I'm so proud of myself I was brave during surgery as it was a long day! And night here's the story starting with a photo after surgery! 

Wednesday morning we arrived at the London Hosipital and straight went in to the nuclear medicine department to have my dye injected in preperation for the Sentinal Lymph Node Biopsy! My plastic surgeon had made the effort to come and see me up there to meet with me and check I was ok etc turns out he performed the same surgery as my mum 12 years ago and the SLNB, mum didn't remember him I think she had only met with him once but it was strange for us and for him that he had performed the same surgery for mum as he will for me! He said in his career this had never happened before! 

I decided that for me the SLNB was a safe option to know if it's spread or not! I couldn't imagine just having a WLE and the fear of the unknown in a year or 2 years it's spread to my nodes and I never bothered to know! And I know with melanoma nothing's certain I could get another melanoma etc but mums been clear 12 years had many removed and still alive now.  So this seemed the right decision. 

I was in the hands of two nurses who took me to lay down on a bed and a rotating scanner was put over me.  "Now what we are going to do is inject four times around the area where melanoma was" said one of the nurses "ouch I said I didn't realise it was 4 injections" it did hurt I think it was one of the worse parts of my experience not so much the injections but laying down not able to move for over an hour with a scanner over you and just your thoughts aaaah! So scary! And then I knew the possibility that the dye might go to my groin and to my underarm! Double the pain and double the recovery! An hour later I was told the node they found was under my right arm so that would be removed! Weirdly I felt relieved that it was just there! 

My mum and I made our way to pre surgery where I had my blood pressure done put on my gown etc....we waited ages by this point it was 1pm and suddenly my surgeon popped in to see me again.....everyone in the room was shocked to see a surgeon taking time to come and check on a patient he had his surgeon uniform on and asked me how I got on at the scan, I explained I was happy that it's just under my arm and I'm feeling positive about surgery....he asked to see my mums scars and said he would do just as good a job with me....my mum and I felt a lot of comfort and knew I was in good hands. I was lucky to have such a nice plastic surgeon! 

Soon after the anisitist came and hooked me up to a drip and I was out of it haha! Next thing I remeber I was in recovery my legs were shaking I eventually calmed down and I was wheeled up to my ward for the night. The nurse told me I had a private room and I would love the view and wow was I lucky I had a view of London river Thames and the London eye 

Even tho I couldn't move just looking out on this view just cheered me up! Mum and dad and my brother came in to see me until visiting time stopped I was starving and ate a sandwhich! I was ok until they all left me....I felt alone and scared, and I had a drain where the node was taken out and a drip on the other arm! I slept for an hour woke an hour slept an hour woke another hour all night.  The nurses in the ward were not great, I could hear them talking about films and tv shows and leaving the buzzers to buzz with patients who needed them! My head started bleeding at 10pm took them ages to come in and attend to me and I was in tears!

Even in the morning when my registra told me I could go home everything went well and my blood pressure was fine it

Took the nurses another 2 hours to come and take my drip and drain out and help to wash the blood out of my hair! 

By this point I just wanted to come home, dad and mum drove me home 

I felt so relieved to be home! 

Now it's just a waiting game for the results and a mission to get well! Stitches are out the end of this week which I can't wait for, I think that will make me feel more comfortable! 

Results are in two week....3 days before my birthday :/ scary times....I try to put it at the back of my mind.  The emotional pain is so much more that the physical pain, I feel like I can manage the physical pain but emotionally I'm drained. 

Last night I woke up at 3am thinking scary and silly thoughts and couldn't get back to sleep! 

I feel very alone....I mean I have my friends and family and my mum knows what I'm going through however I feel like I can't cry infront of anyone I feel like I'm texting people saying "hey I'm a bit sore but I'm fine how's your weekend?" When really I want to say "Its a hard time but I'm taking it a day at a time determind to best this and get back to myself again" but I can't be honest with people....

Truth is I think when you have cancer you loose a bit of youself, you change and I don't mean in a bad way you look at life in a different way...

The more ignorant I see people behave to skin cancer and melanoma makes me want to fight to increase awareness! There should be more adverts more stories, more people need stop tanning! Or in my case I never used a sunbed and only tanned a bit in Greece when I lived there but always had a high SPF on , iv been told it's in my genetics as my mum had it! People need to be wiser to this disease. 

It's 9am here now I'm going to wake up make some breakfast wash and get dressed myself! Baby steps but I'm getting there! Hope my story helps others out there. 

Lots of love 

Nikki xo

Surgery In Two Days

This is my last post until after my surgery! I go into hospital Wednesday for my wide excision and my lymph node biopsy :/

The last few weeks I have had my ups and downs, one minute I could be out with my friends having fun, or just cooking and singing in the kitchen, another moment I just sit alone and over think those are my down moments. 

The last few days I have struggled knowing its surgery time soon it's not so much the pain I'm scared of its that all this seems to be real now and that feeling of doubt "what if the cancer had spread?" 

Last week I had a crazy time Thursday my friend and I explored the cobbled old streets of London, had some drinks and gate crashed a party lol and even when we had 10 minutes till our train departed we stopped by a bar to have a quick bourbon on the rocks typical madness that my friend and I cause! 

Saw my girls Friday nights which was low key and I only stayed an hour! 

Saturday was perfect I felt lucky to be alive and young sitting in the park (in the shade covered with SPF 50) with my best friend eating champagne and strawberries and other food to nibble on! We talked for hours and laughed lots listened to music and people watched! Through my surgery and recovery I will remember that day and smile! 

I also purchased this quirky hat! As I have to have another mole removed this time on my scalp It's ideal to cover the wound when I start to feel well enough to go out! I have always wanted to buy a hat, and with this skin cancer diagnosis it's made me care a lot less about people judging me or if something's cool I just think I like it I'll get it! I only have one life it's about being happy and doing stuff that makes me happy. 

My mum is getting very anxious about the surgery I can tell and it breaks my heart! So I'm trying to be brave for her! Right now I feel numb with it all! I want it all over so I can get focus on recovery....iv promised myself I will stay strong through this and try not to cry, I know crying helps and if I need to I will but I'll keep my head high and fight! 

Will write soon

Nikki xo

This time next week!

This time next week my surgery of wide excision and lymph node biopsy will be done and fingers crossed it will all go well! Iv had a few more mixed feelings the last few days! One strong feeling I have now is that Melanoma awareness needs to be raised!!! I'm shocked at how naive people really are, especially on social media and people need to be more aware of how aggressive this cancer is! It's not "just skin cancer".

Iv noticed in the uk on the tv as breaks there should be an advert for SPF especially now it's coming into spring/summer! One small step at a time I will spread more knowledge about Melanoma. 

So tonight I'm going for drinks in London with a friend of mine who I think I wrote about in previous posts...he has always been a flaky friend but he really backed off from me when I was diagnosed and Monday he text me a pretty harsh text saying he couldn't cope with me being diagnosed with cancer and time had genuinely passed fast and he kept telling himself he would text me to meet me and support me but he just couldn't! He said he was wrong and sorry and I'm like his family so it's all breaking his heart!

I told him I forgave him and I was really upset with him not bothering to see me when other people stepped up. I explained I have cancer I'm normal Nikki and I don't even like to talk about it! Or be nagative! It's hard because you can't just delete people from your life....we have been friends for years so I'm meeting him tonight to catch up and we will see how things go.  Another one of my friends said to me to remeber I need to be selfish at the moment and not take people's upset or worrys on when I need to concentrate on getting better!!

Mentally I feel stronger than ever! Still coming to terms with it all and of course worried about Wednesdays surgery! But iv tired myself of reading the leaflets and complications that might occur! For now I'm trying to take my mind off the surgery go out for wine tonight and cocktails tomorrow night with my girls! 

Will catch up soon 

Nikki xo

It feels real now.....

I was supposed to post Friday but the last few days have flown by.  Thursday I went to see the dermatologist and plastic surgeon.  As soon as we sat in the waiting room i really felt this was all too real now. Although I have been coping with my diagnosis very well, Thursday and the few days after have been a shock to the system.  The dermatologist told me she felt none of my lymph nodes were swollen which is a good sign however as I'm stage 1b melanoma she recommended I get a sentinel lymph node biopsy done.  This will see if the cancers spread and although like many cancers it can come back I think for my own piece of mind having the lymph node biopsy will be a good sign that It's not spread.  Otherwise I could imagine 2 years time if the cancer had spread and I hadn't had a lymph node biopsy I don't think I could forgive myself.  The statistics are that 90/100 at 1b stage will not spread to the lymph nodes. well I could still be the unlucky percentage that it does spread so I'm not taking any chances and I'm going to find out.  I also have to have another mole removed off my scalp *sighs* don't even want to think or worry about that coming back as malignant melanoma :( can't help but worry.

I had blood tests, photos of my moles taken and the pre op assessment.  My surgery to cut the rest of the margins around the mole that's been removed, my lymph node biopsy and the mole removed from my scalp will be 2nd April (next week) and for the nhs I was impressed I don't have long to wait. 

After all the hospital tests and discussions my mum and I went along the Thames river for some wine! Perfect evening and gorgeous view of St. Paul's cathedral after a long stressful day. My brother came and met us and got us tipsy but I needed the drinks lol. 

The day of my hospital my family and friends were texting and calling all concerned it's nice to know people care. One of my friends who was meant to be my best friend has barely made the effort with me, it's been a massive reality check in a good way, when I got diagnosed they told me they would take a day off work, be there for me etc, but didn't bother to see me just 1 or two texts since my diagnosis! This person was always a let down before but now it just took the biscuit.  Two days ago they text me and when I confronted them saying they haven't bothered with me and whether they couldn't handle the fact I had cancer they said they have just been busy and had a cold, the excuse was time had just flown by and they felt really bad they haven't seen me! To which I replied if your going to behave like this when it's my dark times your leave me in my good times! I just told them not to bother me anymore.  It's funny but it felt like a massive weight off my shoulders! 

When my friends have had problems or relatives sick or life problems I'm there for them and most of my friends are there for me but just removing one toxic friend has made me stronger. 

I'm meeting the girls Friday for happy hour cocktails can't wait! And dinner with my friends the weekend. To my friends I'm very positive because there's no need to be down around them and when we go out I'll talk about it if spoken to but otherwise i don't bring it up! They know I'm having my iOS and downs and they also all think I'm amazingly brave! As do my family especially my mum! So I'll continue to be brave and fighting 🌟💗

I still can't sleep, and I do feel my world has stopped for a bit....I sometimes feel alone even tho I am not! And I seem to just want to eat Ben and Jerry's all the time Haha which will make me a fatty but who cares life's too short, Infact I'm going to have a tub of cookie dough and watch dirty dancing right now (and it's only 9am) haha xxxx

Spring is here have no fear

What a lovely weekend I have had!! The sun has been shinning all weekend in London!
I went for afternoon tea with my group of girls....first time I have seen them since my Cancer diagnosis! I was apprehensive about seeing them as texting and emailing them hasn't been easy and I felt they wasn't themselves when they messaged me. however when I saw Them all I just gave them my diagnosis letter/referral  and let them all read it themselves. They all bought me some flowers and a bottle of bubbly which was so very sweet,  some of them I don't think felt comfortable talking to me And although it's hard for me to deal with my friends not acting the same around me....I understand that some people haven't had to deal with the big C word in their life before and probably don't know how to feel  or know what to say. But the flowers and hugs we're their own little way of saying they are here and that's all that matters.

My dads birthday was yesterday and we had a family day, drinking and eating was really lovely. 

My appointment with the dermotoligist to discuss my surgery and surgery date and diagnosis is Thursday! Feel like it's been a long 2 week wait and although I know what's going to happen from my mums experiences I want to hear it all for myself.  It really is baby steps with this and I know once I have been Thursday my next step is the surgery! 

Not sure how I will feel Thursday but I'm feeling strong.

As usual I have been having  my bad days and good but you have to remain strong and brave and enjoy each day and smile as much as you can. If I have a bad day or moment I cry if I need to, watch something funny on tv and go for a walk. Most importantly If I want to talk the one person I can rant to is my mum, she has been my rock.  In terms with coping with diagnosis my aunt and my dad and I all laugh that I'm coping better than mum did. However everyone handles things differently, and she has young children when she was diagnosed and she didn't want to go out with her friends. Where I am worrying about how my family are feeling more than myself and I'm keeping busy by going out and seeing friends and family. 

My mum is being so strong for me and being there 110% I love her so much. 

Iv also started to read more books, cook more and watch more movies! As my friends commented I never watched hardly any films I'm making time to watch them now haha! 

I will update after my hospital appointment Thursday :)

Lots of peace and hope 

Nikki xo