I feel every day is different today I could be happy and positive and tomorrow I'm just so down not even watching suits or Sex And The City could cheer me up.
I'm struggling with friends who haven't bothered with me since surgery and some who thought because id had the operation I'd be fine to go out etc instead of getting angry iv been really honest with people now and I just tell them give me a week or two and I'll be back to myself and out and about!
The biggest question I get is when is your results to which I explain it's soon but I don't want to tell people or I'll have everyone wondering and the pressure of calling and messaging people on that day and I don't want that regardless or a good or bad result I want time with my mum to digest it all, switch my phone off and deal with it!
To be honest right now I'd love to jump into a car and drive miles away, not like that would solve my problems but I feel really mixed at the moment!
I feel so frustrated that I can't cope with going out for more than a few hours I know I'll be fine soon and I'm making progress, it's just difficult having to be fine one moment then iv get a shooting pain down my arm like a constant reminder of the pain and that I have melanoma.
My mum I can tell is very stressed and worried about me naturally as a mum it must be so hard for her, and when I'm feeling upset or low I just sit in my room watching movies or tv shows and she comes in to make sure I'm ok. I think because I told her I felt really alone and by alone I don't mean her shes my everything I just mean I'm on a different path to my friends right now and I feel like I have really changed and starting to see things in a different light.
My mum asked me if I was worrying about my results and I told her I wasn't worried I just had it at the back of my mind and I'm prepared for the worse but I will never know until they say the words to me! Time will tell....well 4 days actually so not long!
When you are told you have cancer your life kind of stops and it's on hold temporary until the moment you know your cleared! That's how I have felt the last month like a fish in a tank swimming swimming and going round and round but with blank thoughts and restrictions! But I suppose as Dory said in Finding Nemo "just keep swimming" so I will and regardless of the results I will not give up!
I'm learning to cross stitch which is coming along brilliantly and I also made some Easter cakes today all by myself! Ok I know a 4 year old could make these easy but with my pain it's certainly an achievement.
Happy Sunday xo Nikki
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