Surgery In Two Days

This is my last post until after my surgery! I go into hospital Wednesday for my wide excision and my lymph node biopsy :/

The last few weeks I have had my ups and downs, one minute I could be out with my friends having fun, or just cooking and singing in the kitchen, another moment I just sit alone and over think those are my down moments. 

The last few days I have struggled knowing its surgery time soon it's not so much the pain I'm scared of its that all this seems to be real now and that feeling of doubt "what if the cancer had spread?" 

Last week I had a crazy time Thursday my friend and I explored the cobbled old streets of London, had some drinks and gate crashed a party lol and even when we had 10 minutes till our train departed we stopped by a bar to have a quick bourbon on the rocks typical madness that my friend and I cause! 

Saw my girls Friday nights which was low key and I only stayed an hour! 

Saturday was perfect I felt lucky to be alive and young sitting in the park (in the shade covered with SPF 50) with my best friend eating champagne and strawberries and other food to nibble on! We talked for hours and laughed lots listened to music and people watched! Through my surgery and recovery I will remember that day and smile! 

I also purchased this quirky hat! As I have to have another mole removed this time on my scalp It's ideal to cover the wound when I start to feel well enough to go out! I have always wanted to buy a hat, and with this skin cancer diagnosis it's made me care a lot less about people judging me or if something's cool I just think I like it I'll get it! I only have one life it's about being happy and doing stuff that makes me happy. 

My mum is getting very anxious about the surgery I can tell and it breaks my heart! So I'm trying to be brave for her! Right now I feel numb with it all! I want it all over so I can get focus on recovery....iv promised myself I will stay strong through this and try not to cry, I know crying helps and if I need to I will but I'll keep my head high and fight! 

Will write soon

Nikki xo

This time next week!

This time next week my surgery of wide excision and lymph node biopsy will be done and fingers crossed it will all go well! Iv had a few more mixed feelings the last few days! One strong feeling I have now is that Melanoma awareness needs to be raised!!! I'm shocked at how naive people really are, especially on social media and people need to be more aware of how aggressive this cancer is! It's not "just skin cancer".

Iv noticed in the uk on the tv as breaks there should be an advert for SPF especially now it's coming into spring/summer! One small step at a time I will spread more knowledge about Melanoma. 

So tonight I'm going for drinks in London with a friend of mine who I think I wrote about in previous posts...he has always been a flaky friend but he really backed off from me when I was diagnosed and Monday he text me a pretty harsh text saying he couldn't cope with me being diagnosed with cancer and time had genuinely passed fast and he kept telling himself he would text me to meet me and support me but he just couldn't! He said he was wrong and sorry and I'm like his family so it's all breaking his heart!

I told him I forgave him and I was really upset with him not bothering to see me when other people stepped up. I explained I have cancer I'm normal Nikki and I don't even like to talk about it! Or be nagative! It's hard because you can't just delete people from your life....we have been friends for years so I'm meeting him tonight to catch up and we will see how things go.  Another one of my friends said to me to remeber I need to be selfish at the moment and not take people's upset or worrys on when I need to concentrate on getting better!!

Mentally I feel stronger than ever! Still coming to terms with it all and of course worried about Wednesdays surgery! But iv tired myself of reading the leaflets and complications that might occur! For now I'm trying to take my mind off the surgery go out for wine tonight and cocktails tomorrow night with my girls! 

Will catch up soon 

Nikki xo

It feels real now.....

I was supposed to post Friday but the last few days have flown by.  Thursday I went to see the dermatologist and plastic surgeon.  As soon as we sat in the waiting room i really felt this was all too real now. Although I have been coping with my diagnosis very well, Thursday and the few days after have been a shock to the system.  The dermatologist told me she felt none of my lymph nodes were swollen which is a good sign however as I'm stage 1b melanoma she recommended I get a sentinel lymph node biopsy done.  This will see if the cancers spread and although like many cancers it can come back I think for my own piece of mind having the lymph node biopsy will be a good sign that It's not spread.  Otherwise I could imagine 2 years time if the cancer had spread and I hadn't had a lymph node biopsy I don't think I could forgive myself.  The statistics are that 90/100 at 1b stage will not spread to the lymph nodes. well I could still be the unlucky percentage that it does spread so I'm not taking any chances and I'm going to find out.  I also have to have another mole removed off my scalp *sighs* don't even want to think or worry about that coming back as malignant melanoma :( can't help but worry.

I had blood tests, photos of my moles taken and the pre op assessment.  My surgery to cut the rest of the margins around the mole that's been removed, my lymph node biopsy and the mole removed from my scalp will be 2nd April (next week) and for the nhs I was impressed I don't have long to wait. 

After all the hospital tests and discussions my mum and I went along the Thames river for some wine! Perfect evening and gorgeous view of St. Paul's cathedral after a long stressful day. My brother came and met us and got us tipsy but I needed the drinks lol. 

The day of my hospital my family and friends were texting and calling all concerned it's nice to know people care. One of my friends who was meant to be my best friend has barely made the effort with me, it's been a massive reality check in a good way, when I got diagnosed they told me they would take a day off work, be there for me etc, but didn't bother to see me just 1 or two texts since my diagnosis! This person was always a let down before but now it just took the biscuit.  Two days ago they text me and when I confronted them saying they haven't bothered with me and whether they couldn't handle the fact I had cancer they said they have just been busy and had a cold, the excuse was time had just flown by and they felt really bad they haven't seen me! To which I replied if your going to behave like this when it's my dark times your leave me in my good times! I just told them not to bother me anymore.  It's funny but it felt like a massive weight off my shoulders! 

When my friends have had problems or relatives sick or life problems I'm there for them and most of my friends are there for me but just removing one toxic friend has made me stronger. 

I'm meeting the girls Friday for happy hour cocktails can't wait! And dinner with my friends the weekend. To my friends I'm very positive because there's no need to be down around them and when we go out I'll talk about it if spoken to but otherwise i don't bring it up! They know I'm having my iOS and downs and they also all think I'm amazingly brave! As do my family especially my mum! So I'll continue to be brave and fighting 🌟💗

I still can't sleep, and I do feel my world has stopped for a bit....I sometimes feel alone even tho I am not! And I seem to just want to eat Ben and Jerry's all the time Haha which will make me a fatty but who cares life's too short, Infact I'm going to have a tub of cookie dough and watch dirty dancing right now (and it's only 9am) haha xxxx

Spring is here have no fear

What a lovely weekend I have had!! The sun has been shinning all weekend in London!
I went for afternoon tea with my group of girls....first time I have seen them since my Cancer diagnosis! I was apprehensive about seeing them as texting and emailing them hasn't been easy and I felt they wasn't themselves when they messaged me. however when I saw Them all I just gave them my diagnosis letter/referral  and let them all read it themselves. They all bought me some flowers and a bottle of bubbly which was so very sweet,  some of them I don't think felt comfortable talking to me And although it's hard for me to deal with my friends not acting the same around me....I understand that some people haven't had to deal with the big C word in their life before and probably don't know how to feel  or know what to say. But the flowers and hugs we're their own little way of saying they are here and that's all that matters.

My dads birthday was yesterday and we had a family day, drinking and eating was really lovely. 

My appointment with the dermotoligist to discuss my surgery and surgery date and diagnosis is Thursday! Feel like it's been a long 2 week wait and although I know what's going to happen from my mums experiences I want to hear it all for myself.  It really is baby steps with this and I know once I have been Thursday my next step is the surgery! 

Not sure how I will feel Thursday but I'm feeling strong.

As usual I have been having  my bad days and good but you have to remain strong and brave and enjoy each day and smile as much as you can. If I have a bad day or moment I cry if I need to, watch something funny on tv and go for a walk. Most importantly If I want to talk the one person I can rant to is my mum, she has been my rock.  In terms with coping with diagnosis my aunt and my dad and I all laugh that I'm coping better than mum did. However everyone handles things differently, and she has young children when she was diagnosed and she didn't want to go out with her friends. Where I am worrying about how my family are feeling more than myself and I'm keeping busy by going out and seeing friends and family. 

My mum is being so strong for me and being there 110% I love her so much. 

Iv also started to read more books, cook more and watch more movies! As my friends commented I never watched hardly any films I'm making time to watch them now haha! 

I will update after my hospital appointment Thursday :)

Lots of peace and hope 

Nikki xo

A week since Diagnosis

Hey so it's a week since my Melanoma stage 1B diagnosis.....how am I feeling? Well I'm ok honestly given the circumstances I'm coping better than I thought.  I am having ups and downs and going through a crazy mixture of emotions but that's normal right?

All my friends and family know now and it's true what they say at difficult times of your life you really realise who is there for you. To be honest know ones let me down so far I'm very lucky everyone's been 100% supportive and a couple of friends and family members have really stepped up and been texting me everyday which is really reassuring. My mum is my rock she went through this herself and she's proud I'm coping. 

Iv seen my cousin for cocktails, had lunch with my Aunty, met one of my friends Tuesday night, went for dinner last night and Saturday I'm seeing more friends. Keeping busy has taken my mind off it. 

I'm suffering with insomnia :( I'm getting 4 hours sleep a night which I suppose is due to the worry and stress at the back of my mind. 

I also got a copy letter from my consultant referring me to a London Hospital to a dermatologist explaining my diagnosis and advising them of all the procedure I already had and what treatment is needed next. So one more week till I see the consultant and surgeon in London and I'll know my surgery date. When I saw my diagnosis in black and white it was like someone had punched me in the stomach. I felt in denial and folded up the letter and went to meet my friend. I carry on as normal then it hits me and I feel sick and upset! 

Knowone knows what it's like until it happens to you 

Signing out for now love Nikki xxx

25 With Melanoma

Hey I'm Nikki I'm 25 years old. This photo was taken just a week after I had a mole on my right side removed. Little did I know that not long after I would find out some news that would change my life forever. Here's my story. 

My mum had Melanoma 14 years ago and lucky for her it never spread and shes 14 years cleared. So I am very aware of any moles I have on my body, and I have had a couple removed before which have been fine. 

However 3 months ago I was out with my friends I came home and thought I had been bitten as a mole I barely notice just under my bra was itching! I kept an eye on it but quickly decided that it had changed and was itching and crusty! With advice from my mum I went straight to my GP. She referred me to a dermatologist who treated my mum agreed that the mole should be removed. I don't know why but my gut told me something wasn't right this time. I remained positive right up until the results. Here's a photo of 2 days after it was removed 

Yesterday I was diagnosed with stage 1 Melanoma. I have rarely sunbathed and never been on a sunbed due to my mum and was advised its probably genetics. I'm heartbroken mainly for my family for having to go through this all again after my mum....and also for my friends I'm lucky I have a few close friends and an amazing family I know that will stand by me. 

Now I'm awaiting an appointment with a consultant in London's Guys Hospital to see them and discuss the procedure and be examined again! Then I'll have the operation to check my lymph nodes and also remove further area from the mole. 

Dispite already going through this with my mum who has lived with this for 14 years. Nothing can prepare you for the shock of when it happens to you! I didn't sleep all of last night but I will remain positive! I won't let this beat me!! 

I used to blog years ago and I wanted to blog my journey and feelings about Melanoma and hope people read it and it increases awareness! Or if your going through the same things please comment and get in touch!