Good News In Time For My Birthday

I'm happy to announce on Thursday I was given the all clear The Cancer has not spread to my Lymph Nodes and I can recover from my op now  and gradually put my life back together! 

Last week I was in borough market in London and I saw a lovely Little wine bar with a glass of pink champagne advertised and I thought "if I get clear results I will be sipping champagne in there" I told myself that with a tiny glimmer of hope that I might be told the cancer has not spread.....but then I brushed my positive thoughts away and remembered there was a 50/50 chance it was going either way. 

So when I was told those words "I'm pleased to tell you that nothing was found in the lymph nodes and the mole that was removed from your head is perfectly fine" I was totally relieved and shocked!!! My mum cried in relief but all I could think was get me out of this hospital I need some air! And we walked out of there and all I could say was omg thank goodness! My family and I went straight to the wine bar in borough market that I pictured us sitting in if I got good results and I got my glass of pink champagne! It was a lovely feeling, 

I know I'm living with Melanoma for the rest of my life but....The breaks are on for now and who knows it may never come back! I'll be checked every 3 months by the best dermatologists and I'll be putting on the SPF50 like its moisturiser :) and covering up and protecting my skin! 

I'm still determind to increase awareness of skin cancer. 

It's my Birthday Monday and it's been a non stop celebration! Fish and chips at the seaside yesterday, lunch with my friend today and Monday celebration dinner! 

I'm also going away end of May for a little holiday my dad is paying for me as a birthday present he said I deserve a break after everything I have been through and how brave I have been.  He is so sweet It's something for me to be excited about because although I have good results I still feel a lot of stress of being diagnosed with melanoma, my scars that are healing and getting my mind round the fact I am living with this for the rest of my life. 

But I'm a fighter and so far I have beat cancer and I can make plans and book holidays and start living my life again :) 

Happy Easter xxx

Highs and Lows

This weekend I have been so much better than I was last weekend iv been out two days but when I say out I mean a few hours and today just a BBQ but hey it's progress right? My underarm is healing a lot more but still feels achy and numb and my tummy is getting there. 

I feel every day is different today I could be happy and positive and tomorrow I'm just so down not even watching suits or Sex And The City could cheer me up. 

I'm struggling with friends who haven't bothered with me since surgery and some who thought because id had the operation I'd be fine to go out etc instead of getting angry iv been really honest with people now and I just tell them give me a week or two and I'll be back to myself and out and about! 

The biggest question I get is when is your results to which I explain it's soon but I don't want to tell people or I'll have everyone wondering and the pressure of calling and messaging people on that day and I don't want that regardless or a good or bad result I want time with my mum to digest it all, switch my phone off and deal with it! 

To be honest right now I'd love to jump into a car and drive miles away, not like that would solve my problems but I feel really mixed at the moment! 

I feel so frustrated that I can't cope with going out for more than a few hours I know I'll be fine soon and I'm making progress, it's just difficult having to be fine one moment then iv get a shooting pain down my arm like a constant reminder of the pain and that I have melanoma.

My mum I can tell is very stressed and worried about me naturally as a mum it must be so hard for her, and when I'm feeling upset or low I just sit in my room watching movies or tv shows and she comes in to make sure I'm ok. I think because I told her I felt really alone and by alone I don't mean her shes my everything I just mean I'm on a different path to my friends right now and I feel like I have really changed and starting to see things in a different light. 

My mum asked me if I was worrying about my results and I told her I wasn't worried I just had it at the back of my mind and I'm prepared for the worse but I will never know until they say the words to me! Time will tell....well 4 days actually so not long! 

When you are told you have cancer your life kind of stops and it's on hold temporary until the moment you know your cleared! That's how I have felt the last month like a fish in a tank swimming swimming and going round and round but with blank thoughts and restrictions! But I suppose as Dory said in Finding Nemo "just keep swimming" so I will and regardless of the results I will not give up! 

I'm learning to cross stitch which is coming along brilliantly and I also made some Easter cakes today all by myself! Ok I know a 4 year old could make these easy but with my pain it's certainly an achievement. 

Happy Sunday xo Nikki 

My Melanoma Surgery

Wow can't believe it's been 5 days now since my surgery! Today's the first day I can comfortably type because my SLNB was on my right arm and my WLE was on my right side and of course my mole removal on my scalp which currently has staple stitches ouchies! I can honestly say I'm in less pain than I was after surgery, I make little daily goals for myself making a cup of tea, or yesterday was putting on my makeup and going out for an hour with my family,wow the air did me good, however once I got home I was exhausted felt like I had been for a run and I had only got in the car walked a bit and sat And had one drink.  Last night I got upset out of frustration really! Iv only cried a few times since my surgery and I'm so proud of myself I was brave during surgery as it was a long day! And night here's the story starting with a photo after surgery! 

Wednesday morning we arrived at the London Hosipital and straight went in to the nuclear medicine department to have my dye injected in preperation for the Sentinal Lymph Node Biopsy! My plastic surgeon had made the effort to come and see me up there to meet with me and check I was ok etc turns out he performed the same surgery as my mum 12 years ago and the SLNB, mum didn't remember him I think she had only met with him once but it was strange for us and for him that he had performed the same surgery for mum as he will for me! He said in his career this had never happened before! 

I decided that for me the SLNB was a safe option to know if it's spread or not! I couldn't imagine just having a WLE and the fear of the unknown in a year or 2 years it's spread to my nodes and I never bothered to know! And I know with melanoma nothing's certain I could get another melanoma etc but mums been clear 12 years had many removed and still alive now.  So this seemed the right decision. 

I was in the hands of two nurses who took me to lay down on a bed and a rotating scanner was put over me.  "Now what we are going to do is inject four times around the area where melanoma was" said one of the nurses "ouch I said I didn't realise it was 4 injections" it did hurt I think it was one of the worse parts of my experience not so much the injections but laying down not able to move for over an hour with a scanner over you and just your thoughts aaaah! So scary! And then I knew the possibility that the dye might go to my groin and to my underarm! Double the pain and double the recovery! An hour later I was told the node they found was under my right arm so that would be removed! Weirdly I felt relieved that it was just there! 

My mum and I made our way to pre surgery where I had my blood pressure done put on my gown etc....we waited ages by this point it was 1pm and suddenly my surgeon popped in to see me again.....everyone in the room was shocked to see a surgeon taking time to come and check on a patient he had his surgeon uniform on and asked me how I got on at the scan, I explained I was happy that it's just under my arm and I'm feeling positive about surgery....he asked to see my mums scars and said he would do just as good a job with me....my mum and I felt a lot of comfort and knew I was in good hands. I was lucky to have such a nice plastic surgeon! 

Soon after the anisitist came and hooked me up to a drip and I was out of it haha! Next thing I remeber I was in recovery my legs were shaking I eventually calmed down and I was wheeled up to my ward for the night. The nurse told me I had a private room and I would love the view and wow was I lucky I had a view of London river Thames and the London eye 

Even tho I couldn't move just looking out on this view just cheered me up! Mum and dad and my brother came in to see me until visiting time stopped I was starving and ate a sandwhich! I was ok until they all left me....I felt alone and scared, and I had a drain where the node was taken out and a drip on the other arm! I slept for an hour woke an hour slept an hour woke another hour all night.  The nurses in the ward were not great, I could hear them talking about films and tv shows and leaving the buzzers to buzz with patients who needed them! My head started bleeding at 10pm took them ages to come in and attend to me and I was in tears!

Even in the morning when my registra told me I could go home everything went well and my blood pressure was fine it

Took the nurses another 2 hours to come and take my drip and drain out and help to wash the blood out of my hair! 

By this point I just wanted to come home, dad and mum drove me home 

I felt so relieved to be home! 

Now it's just a waiting game for the results and a mission to get well! Stitches are out the end of this week which I can't wait for, I think that will make me feel more comfortable! 

Results are in two week....3 days before my birthday :/ scary times....I try to put it at the back of my mind.  The emotional pain is so much more that the physical pain, I feel like I can manage the physical pain but emotionally I'm drained. 

Last night I woke up at 3am thinking scary and silly thoughts and couldn't get back to sleep! 

I feel very alone....I mean I have my friends and family and my mum knows what I'm going through however I feel like I can't cry infront of anyone I feel like I'm texting people saying "hey I'm a bit sore but I'm fine how's your weekend?" When really I want to say "Its a hard time but I'm taking it a day at a time determind to best this and get back to myself again" but I can't be honest with people....

Truth is I think when you have cancer you loose a bit of youself, you change and I don't mean in a bad way you look at life in a different way...

The more ignorant I see people behave to skin cancer and melanoma makes me want to fight to increase awareness! There should be more adverts more stories, more people need stop tanning! Or in my case I never used a sunbed and only tanned a bit in Greece when I lived there but always had a high SPF on , iv been told it's in my genetics as my mum had it! People need to be wiser to this disease. 

It's 9am here now I'm going to wake up make some breakfast wash and get dressed myself! Baby steps but I'm getting there! Hope my story helps others out there. 

Lots of love 

Nikki xo